Name change?

I'm going to go back to using this. even though no one sees it. I think that's what I want to it be like. I have one follower. who clearly no longer matters.

Anyway. I'm considering changing this to "...thanks for that." It seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life lately. Specifically, people who seemingly were a big part of my life, and really close to me have destroyed me. These incidents have made me question everything in my life. Every friendship. Every word that is spoken to me. If I can't trust a "best friend" or a "bestest friend," who can I trust? you've made me a feel like every one in the world is out to get me. And that obviously sounds selfish, but I mean in more in that you've made me unsure of everything. I never thought I was one of those people that trusted too easily, but apparently I was naive. Deep down I know I can trust Anthony, but there's a part of me that always is questioning whether he's just being nice or if I really am his best friend. I freak out if he doesn't answer quick enough. This is ridiculous. I get upset if someone looks at me funny. What the fuck. I used to be stronger. You've belittled me to nothing. both of you. Neither of you regret it either. You both suck. One of you didn't even care enough to try to make it better. Not one measly attempt. And now you're fucking over everyone at home too. Well, I'm pretty sure we're all done trying to reach out to you. So, "fuck you, hope you're happy"...basically. And the other one, you've had enough chances. And you haven't tried not nearly enough. And if you've given up to, so be it.

I deserve better. I'm a good person and a good friend. I'll answer my phone at 2:30am when you're puking in a diner or drying because of your roommate. or take care of your drunk ass even when you won't listen, and "not that drunk." yeah okay.

If someone is reading this, you're probably wondering why I still care. And why I just can't let it go. Well, as much as I say I'm over it, it's affected me. It's hurt me. I'm not the same person. People will tell you that. I've always been a crier, but I've never cried as much as I have this semester. Random nights they pop into my head, and I'm left wondering what the fuck I did to deserve it and I cry myself to sleep. While they don't suffer at all. And it sucks.

I think I'm going to make a tumblr instead of changing this one. See ya later.

Back to the Dorm Life...

So, for the past month that I've been home, basically all I've talked about is going back to school. I've missed so much. Today I was reminded of what I have not missed about school. I'm not going to be a hypocrite, because I get on my bestest friend's case for complaining about dorm life, but something. ughh. I'm not even back in Syracuse, and I already know that my roommate is sexiling me on Monday. Like really. the first day back? Not my fault your boyfriend got a new roommate. I've already given you permission. I'm so dumb. I should have made you allow me to have the light on and the curtain open in return. but no. I'm too damn nice. One more semester. a few months. then, myTrio livinnnnnn'! :]

[I'm so overly antsy and excited to live with my two best friends in syracuse. I talk about it probably too much.]

Also, that guy. yep. him. so fucking creepy and annoying. he'll complain about noise at like 8 o'clock and just always be lurking around the corner. you don't even know. my word. ahh. Oh, and dorm food. no thanks. And my fridge will be empty. everything came home because we had to defrost the fridge. my fridge had been full since the day I moved in.

I think that's really it. i'm over just about everything else that bothered me last semester. I'm growing up. I think.

So...yeah.

I've been keeping a blog like journal on my computer. but I broke it. and sent it away. it may currently be in New Jersey. I don't really know, but I've needed to write in it so many times since I sent it away.

Tonight, I finally determined I needed a blog. that no one will know about it. I know I'll write about everyone. and that means EVERYONE. I'm quite easily frustrated or upset. My bestfriend is also a big part of why I made this. He always tells me to write when I'm upset, because I always go to him. I don't think he actually likes that I always go running to him crying. He's always so happy, and I don't think he knows what to do with my sad sobbing sorry ass. But anyway...

Right now, I'm feeling like the shittiest "bestest friend" ever. you don't even know. Her winter break was only 2 weeks long. Thank you quarter system. She spent soo much time with her boyfriend. I sent her some bitchy texts on new years day. I was angry. slightly jealous. sue me. I had seen her once, and she was leaving in 2 days! I still think it was justified. She argued that no one tried to make plans. "Oh hey, I think you're perfectly capable too. You didn't try either. It goes both ways. While my anger was justified, maybe I should have handled it differently. I'm sorry I made you cry. and I'm sorry I just found out that I did when I found your 365 blog. I really am. I don't know if I'll have the guts to send you this later. I kind of hope I do. and I hope you accept my apology. believe me, it's sincere. I really don't know what else to say. But I feel like the worst friend and the biggest bitch currently. Of course, I'm bothering Anthony, 'cause I fucked up again. That poor soul can't catch a break being my friend either. --At least you are not the only one suffering from my shitty friend-ness?

Please remember that I love you. No matter what. I'm sorry.

But I'm just requesting that you manage your time a little better. and TALK to me. (oh hey - I switched point of view. or tense. or audience or something so I'll just put end quotes here. good enough.)"

I'll be back soon. Trust me. This isn't my only issue.